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Blue pill, yellow pill and the white one that makes you go numb…

Just my second post and I’m already jumping into the heavy stuff. Whew! Boy is this gonna be a doozy.

So I feel like you should know a little about me before I start rambling. You know, just so you can get the context. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being mysterious and shit but it’s absolutely prudent (love that word, jamming it in wherever I can) to know about the writer.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, Hi! I’m Pradipta. I love music, writing and reading. I’m 22 years old and I’m a college dropout. Dropping out of university was a tough and challenging decision I had to make. But it was taxing on my mental health and when you know, you just know. I have some mental issues, which is a gross understatement to say the least. Anyway, I’m an aspiring writer and vocalist.

These days I just feel lost in a sea of people. Being from a tiny one horse town, I just don’t understand city folks. I try to, but fail miserably most of the time. Memories, so many fucking memories. Both tear jerking and pityful. But that isn’t the focal point of this post.

I’ve been on medication for schizophrenia since I was 16 years old, you do the math. Reality, for me, is a big jig saw puzzle that I try to piece together everyday only to make my view of life more distorted. I’m on a shit ton of medication. “Take the blue one after dinner, the two little white one’s in the morning after breakfast, the yellow one ONLY if you can’t sleep at night…” And so on and so forth. I feel like that’s what my life has become. I don’t want to become a prisoner tied down by the shackles of synthetic chemicals. And for what? To feel like how everyone else is feeling? Fuck that. All my life I’ve been asleep, I don’t want to waste another moment of this life hitting the snooze button.

I finally took the decision to slowly taper off that shit. It’s a journey. Sanity shouldn’t come at a cost. Sanity should come organically. I mean think about it, who’s to say if we were born sane or not? I’d much rather invest in freedom than on sanity.

“Take 300 mgs of the white one and that might fix you” No, John (one of my actual doctors) it’s not going to fix me. All its gonna do is make me think that the pain has evaporated, when it is a stain on my whole existence which can’t just be erased. It has to be tended to, it has to be nourished, it has to be soaked in love and finally brushed out gently with self respect.

With love,
Pradipta 🌤

Published by Pradipta Surya Chakraborty

Here is where I document my life. Every moment, every thought, every emotion. I hope you stay, dear reader, but if you leave... There are no hard feelings.

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